Posts tagged ‘ho’oponopono’

July 16, 2014

I Am Broken

i am broken

Photo credit: nyxknight16.deviantart.com

As a teenager, I remember my mother lying in bed sobbing her heart out when I got home from school. I used to ask her what was wrong, and I didn’t even try to feel her pain. In the whole scheme of things, I probably didn’t want to. As kids, we just want to feel happy—don’t we?

As humans, we don’t want to feel pain. We want to brush the pain aside and fill it in with one of the millions of distractions in our reality—video games, movies, TV, food, sex, addictions, alcohol, drug use, picking our nose, skin picking, or whatever else.

Now, I realise my mistake and I so wish I could turn back time and help her. To cry with her, instead of not even trying to understand. I feel so guilty, so hateful of myself. I wish I could turn back time. It’s a pain of abandonment. A feeling that nobody cares, that we are alone. Perhaps all she needed was love and understanding. I failed her and I’ll probably never be able to forgive myself.

She used alcohol to numb her pain. I used to tell her I hated her, but inside I was so sad at my reaction. The words would haunt me until I could do nothing else but cry, and I’d say sorry. I just didn’t want her to die. My anger toward her was one of pain.

The things I’ve spoken about in my blog, the hurts we can do to one another…I am that. I am a hypocrite. I hurt my mother, and I wish I could fix things. I wish I could delete those words. Back then, I wish I could just hug her and love her and protect her, without judgement. The comforts we want in this life have the potential to do so much damage. As long as it is making us feel better, fuck everyone else. I don’t want to be that person anymore.

I hope that God has the grace to forgive me for my selfishness. I do Ho’oponopono every night in the hope that it will help my mother. Desperation probably breeds more desperation. I’m scared that I am doing her more harm with my own insecurities and desperations to heal her.

I act out of anger at the psychiatrists and mental health team, as I feel that they don’t take the human condition element of their work seriously. For if they did, mental illnesses would be treated at the core level, rather than numbed with drugs. There is incredible pain in my mother. I see it in her eyes. I wish I could feel her pain and cry her pain. Do the doctors and social workers understand this? I feel a death inside their soul. They, too, are hypocrites. However, last week, I realised that the only problem of this entire situation is me. Why should I blame others when the real issue I have is with the anger at myself for handing her over to the people I thought would help her? No wonder I pick and carve at my skin, as I have so much pain of giving up on someone who I would die for.

We must face these real pain issues in this lifetime. Some of us act out our fears and anger with violence, but we all have to face our dark sides at some point. We all have the potential to cause incredible harm to one another.

Mental illness should not be attacked, cornered, and plagued with drugs. This only numbs the pain. That pain is damaging, if it is not felt and healed. I firmly believe this. The psychiatric community is treating the conditions of mental illness backwards. These fragile humans need love, understanding, and compassion, and not to be pushed into a corner where they feel isolated and alone to express how they feel. Perhaps God does talk to some human beings. If he speaks to prophets, and mediums, and they are not viewed as crazy, why are fragile human beings attacked for being different?

I experience depression, or perhaps it’s just a state of understanding the human condition that sets us apart from the ‘normal and happy’ human beings walking the Earth right now. I would not say that mental illness is pleasant, and it’s no wonder that we want to numb ourselves from the pain, but it’s not enough to heal the Spirit or Soul. Drugs are most certainly not curing and healing mental illness, if that problem truly exists. I would like to redefine mental illness as the broken human instead. The human who feels so out of place in today’s society, the human who is so fearful of being different and having abstract thoughts that the internal pain turns on itself and causes mental confusion, the human with such profound thoughts that they could change the face of this world.

Finally, I’d like to add that sometimes things happen to us that are not always pleasant. Our marriage breaks up; we experience hardship, disease, or a myriad of other issues. All of the problems that happen in life can cause the fragile mind to break. Perhaps what the psychiatric community must come to realise is that they are not working for the comfort of human beings, but for the God called money. I hope that one day they come face to face with their dark side and realise the error of their ways. It’s not a pleasant place to be, I can tell you that. However, once we are faced with our shadow self, we have the power to forget and pretend everything is okay, or to change ourselves, primarily our heart. How many ‘professional’ people would face the former?

Depression has the power to kill people. It’s like the dark side of man takes over, and life is void of light. All I can do in those moments is cry. I often cry alone, and quietly. However, I’ve discovered a field where only the birds are my witness, and I am able to cry aloud without fear of causing panic in others who simply have no awareness of even wanting to understand that the human being is not always together, it is fragmented and in need of love and understanding. I am broken.

Next time you pass somebody in the street who doesn’t appear to be ‘normal’, consider his or her pain, think about his or her abandonment of being or thinking differently. Smile, be compassionate, and send love. Love is what this world is lacking, and it’s so much harder to turn on the human nature of kindness and love and kung fu the oppressive and hurtful dark side out to destroy us and others.

February 22, 2014

Gratitude Prayer

Photo credit: community.jigsaw.com

Photo credit: community.jigsaw.com

I’m sorry for all of the conscious and subconscious judgment that I give out to the world, toward others, and myself. There is such beauty all around me, which I often brush to one side. I’m sorry that I am ungrateful of all that I have. The moments when I become aware of these short conscious thoughts often makes me want to cry tears of joy. I am sorry that I sometimes doubt when I want to give. I’m sorry that I expect something in return when I do a good deed. I need to work on this. I want my act of giving to be something that does not feel good, but should come naturally. I’m sorry that successful people make me feel threatened and not good enough. This is often subconscious and I find it difficult to admit. There is lots of bad stuff going on in my subconscious. Truly fucked up stuff that I feel adds a burden to this world. I’m truly sorry. I’m sorry that I expect a job when I apply for it. I’m sorry for any and all expectations.

Please forgive me for seeing people as non-perfect. Forgive me for viewing people as a victim that I need to heal. I am not perfect. I am a fog of soot. I cannot see the light within the dark. Forgive all of the conscious and subconscious thoughts that I have at every second. Forgive me for over thinking. Forgive me inner child for my self-hate. I’m not sure why I cannot love the self. Forgive my need to be accepted and loved. Forgive the fact that I cannot marry myself for better or for worse. Forgive me for seeing the worst in others. Watching a movie last night, Captain Phillips, made me see that even the ‘bad’ people often try to do good, but the desperation clouds what starts out as a fundamental need to survive. Forgive me for any judgement given out to others, conscious or unconscious. Forgive me for detaching from the people I love and who rely on me for support when I feel afraid.

I love you for showing me my weakness and flaws. I love you for giving me an opportunity to do right. I do not know what this prayer is doing for the Universe right now, but I have a feeling of peace within me as I write these words. I love you for giving me the opportunity to give without an expectation in return. It is hard but I’m working on surrender in my world of control. I love you for showing me the areas in which I need to work on.

Thank you for the little writing jobs that are put my way. I am always so frightened of surrender because I might be wrong or judged a fool for even believing in the unknown. I try to control every single aspect of my life, from fighting the banks and Government, but I do forget about my inner child who needs to be nurtured, not hated in scorn. Thank you for helping me to remember what I have. Thank you for showing me the error of my ways. Thank you for helping me to see the beauty in others, rather than the flaws. Thank you for nature who help us to survive every single day. Thank you for this opportunity to write this and humble myself to a higher power. Thank  you for allowing me to give money to those in need.

Whatever is in me that is causing suffering to those I love, the world, and strangers conscious or subconscious, I’m sorry, please forgive me, I love you, thank you.

February 11, 2014

Finding Peace Within The Storm

How can one who suffers with depression find the peace within? That’s what I am setting out to achieve. Yesterday was a difficult day. I felt so so tired. I have been doing tons of Ho’oponopono. Looking at people in my life and saying the I’m sorry, please forgive me, I love you, thank you prayer. Twice now, I have woken up and felt drunk. I’m wondering if those words are erasing memories from my subconscious mind, so I’m humbling myself before God and allowing Him to heal the turmoil within. The more I think about the phrase peace begins with me the more it makes sense. What is the society that we see today? It is horrible. It is cruel. It is focused on power and control. How did I buy into such a lie? Now I can make amends. I am content to spend most of my days praying. It might drain me of life energy, but praying for the self and others is beautiful. It feels right. I pray that the more I can heal myself of pain, the more the external world will heal right before my eyes.

I heard a sad story this morning from my dad. A young girl had jumped off a building in my hometown of Rochdale. Nobody knew why she had committed suicide, until the truth was written in the local newspaper. She was the victim of rape. The court had acquitted the man who raped her. He had committed this inhumane act upon other women. The girl had her whole life in front of her, but one person had changed her life so much that she had no hope to continue. This is very sad.

Each day we can decide on a path to follow. We can follow the path of destruction, the one that takes us on the path of blame and the causing the pain in others, or we can follow the path of accepting responsibility for our actions. No person deserves rape, and I don’t believe in the karma equals karma concept. In this life, if one violates the property of another (personal space), this is wrong. No man or woman has that right. It is life destroying. It is cruel. In what fearful and sad place does a person lie when he or she decides to violate a man or woman’s property? Does he or she instinctively know that it is wrong, and there will be repercussions in the future? The person that he or she violated could be tested to the limit, even to the inevitable thoughts of life or death. It is so sad. Does he or she take 100 percent responsibility for his or her actions? Perhaps not at that very moment, but it still happens. A wave of change was created.

I am no saint. I am angry at the system. I am angry with the people continuing to keep the beast of a system afloat, but I am feeding the system with my discontent and anger. Is there a way that I can control my hurts and perhaps heal them and others? Can I find the peace within the storm? I don’t know, but I like a challenge and I’m going to try my best to heal my anger by taking 100 percent responsibility for my actions. Perhaps I’ll experience days that are better than others. Perhaps I can change the world through baby steps. Sending kind thoughts to strangers, feeling at peace when we respond through email to a stranger, or whatever else. Most of the time, we are engaged in negative reaction. Humans thrive on drama.

Perhaps being kind to others is a reflection of being kind to myself. I am not a particular lover of Helen, but this weekend has taught me that we all have pains that we can share with one another. Love is powerful. It is kind and accepting. Love shines through the darkness. I want to grow in love for others and myself. If Ho’oponopono can help to guide me in the right direction, I’m glad the awareness entered my life. Peace begins with me. It makes sense. I keep reminding myself of that thought whenever I experience something that makes me feel afraid.

We can all direct our energies toward judgement of others. Perhaps we do not like something in another. It causes us pain. However, pain and suffering is everywhere. The human condition is frail. It is always in need of love. How we find that love is up to us. To be open to love is the hardest. I find it difficult to accept kind thoughts and words—even love. The true beauty of humanity is beneath the external layer we call self. Yes, some of us are beautiful on the outside, but ugly on the inside. However, the internal ugliness may be suppressing such pain. Why else do we act out of haste and blame others? It is through fear, shame, and pain. Try to always find the good in others, even if it hurts to try. Send love to those who cause you pain, even if it hurts to try. With practice, I hope that I’m sorry, please forgive me, I love you, thank you becomes easier.

Dr Huw Len says that the conscious mind can process only fourteen or fifteen bits of information at any one time, but the subconscious mind processes eleven million bits of information per second. This knowledge shocked me to the core. I cannot control my life if I cannot control the subconscious information that is constantly at work. Who can control this? How do we know what we are doing every single second? If I can work on the subconscious mind through Ho’oponopono, this will make me feel more at peace. I can accept that I am clueless with life, but I am dedicated to working on it.

Watch it from 7.22.

November 8, 2013

The Cost of Awakening

Photo Credit: keen.com

Photo Credit: keen.com

There is much discussion on the Internet about people ‘waking up’. There does not need to be a spiritual name for this, but you might have heard of Kundalini, Ascension, or Dark Night of The Soul etc. I used to classify myself in this category. It was a way for me to escape being labelled mentally ill. I sugar coated depression and turned it into an enlightening spiritual experience. I’m much the same three years later, although the darkness for me is two thirds and one third light. I have become an actress in the world. It’s far easier to pretend that everything is okay, when inside I’m hoping for a different world free of money, cruelty, wars, and judgments.

Awakening for me is the inner calling that something is definitely wrong with this world. The most prominent word for me in 2013 is NO. I don’t have to obey a Government. I can opt out. Sure, they can fine me and make fearful demands on me, but that’s all the system can do. It doesn’t play on our heart strings. It doesn’t ask for forgiveness. It doesn’t love us in the way we want to be loved. The system plays on fear and ignorance. Are we only free if we follow the rules? That’s a bullshit freedom. It’s  freedom by rule. Do we have a God given right to freedom? Ask yourself and  listen to the heart. An awakened spirit can sees through the lies. The heart blossoms like a flower. We are all born with an in-build shit detector. It tells us what is right and what is wrong.

I don’t feel an inner peace. I am numb inside. The only words that come to mind when the demons are poking me with harsh words are “I’m sorry.” I practice Ho’oponopono. I want to take responsibility for my part in this cruel world. I want to wake up happy and I’m not sure if I’ll ever be at peace with myself when so many fellow men, women, and children are suffering. I can pretend. I can throw myself into the TV, movies, junk food, and picking, but the void is still there. It hits me like thunder. I’m just acting out again.

I’m not too sure how we are meant to be happy in this world. Perhaps it an illusion and that happiness only comes when we can ignore everybody elses misery and shift through our own fears. I have the opposite problem. I hope and pray for everyone to be loved and nurtured, to have enough money to live a comfortable life, but I know I’m living in la la land.

I’ve been writing poems to the ministers in ‘power.’ I don’t know if it hits their heart, their empathy gene. Maybe they are without. I get a calling to say what is in my heart. I know that I need to love and forgive those who know not what they do, but it’s so frigging difficult. It is obvious that I need Spiritual help. So please God, help us all in our time of need. On behalf of the innocent men, women, children, animals, and nature, please help us to open up our heart to see. Please help those in their delusion of power to make decisions with their heart and not their head. Help me to love and forgive those who do us wrong, preferably without me having to put a commercial lien on everyone.

Awakening is a process of self-authentication. We become raw, we become real. It is difficult. It is alien to the people who choose to forget. But it’s still happening. There is a rollercoaster of hope out there. Perhaps one day I will experience true happiness without having to perform any meditation or rituals.

February 16, 2013

Depression Sucks

depressionIf I am going to heal fully, then I need to be honest with myself. On Thursday, I hit the lowest of the low and took an overdose. I attempted a dry fast, yet again, even though I have never successfully completed a full day, and the only time I broke this fast was to take the pills with half a pint of water. I prayed all day mixing ho’oponopono with prayers to God. I met blow after blow. I shovelled myself into a corner where I could not escape. The system is too powerful to fight, or so it seems in my world. Fighting only feed the system of fear, I apologise. Maybe I have been in denial about how much fear lives in me and this is only testament to why my belly is shaking uncontrollably, almost all day.

Why did I reach such a dark place? I have been putting a lot of my energy into fighting the system, but I have met a brick wall many times. Maybe I am not that type of person to take on the world, as I am too sensitive a soul. Today I thought, “Now is not my time to fight. Fighting only supports this current reality of fear, and I’m sick of living in fear.”

I have spoken with friends and family over the past two days and many suggestions were offered. I felt so overwhelmed to take this advice; after all, the only person who can truly change is myself. I have to want to get better, to heal my depression. Most of all, I want to heal myself, preferably without medication, and feel at least a shred of joy each day. Perhaps tears have not been the healing tool for me. I am not sure if my sensitivity will ever go away, or whether this is just another symptom of depression. I have been too proud to request help, too proud to open up to the medical community, but I’m also terrified of never being understood.

December 28, 2012

If Energy Healing is From God – Why Charge?

basking-in-the-beautyI’ve often pondered on this thought. If energy healers claim that the energy comes from God, why do they charge big bucks? I remember watching a video for The Healing Codes and the people in these videos are preaching that good health is priceless, but by invoking some energy healing from God, or from a channelled source as the author of the Healing Codes claims to have obtained his information, is it really okay to charge people up over $500 to “heal.” I guess we all live and learn. I used to believe in all of this stuff, and these new age healers got a lot of money from me. When I used crystals, I truly believed that I was garnering help from another source, but where exactly I am still not too sure about. Okay, the energy may come from God, so why charge people to harness this healing. Should it not be free? Why does God choose to give “healing” gifts to some people, and not others? It’s all bullshit. Wake up people. Anyone who is charging you for “healing” is a fake.

These healers are not truly believing in the Law of Attraction, as they need to charge people for their God-given gift of healing, so trusting in a higher source for money is too hard for them to practice. I help Stu Strang with his writing and editing of his books, and I don’t charge him a penny because I believe that money will come when I need it, and it often does. I did the same for Una Pearce, and I was used and treated like scum, by Una and her family. If we all worked in the same way and shared our skills, the world would be a very different place. Una didn’t charge for her energy healing, as she believed that her gift was from God.

June 2, 2012

A Prayer To God!

Oh God,

I pray for your help. Please help me to love those in dire need, those who feel only happiness when his or her heart is closed up and out to blame others. Please help me to see the pain in these people. Why do they preach so much darkness on a subconscious level. These are the people who balance the darkness vs light. Is it a necessity for people to live and learn? Sometimes I can’t cope, God. I feel such despair. I feel lost and so alone. I feel like we have lost the game and evil or darkness wins.

I watch the news and know it is only a game. There is so much negativity surrounding us. If I struggle to see the goodness in everyone, then how ever will an “evil” person see their wrongdoing. S/he is lost and in need of love. S/he does not deserve our hate. These lost souls have closed off his or her heart to love. I think this is possible since this world is so desensitising. So help me and others God. Help others who are on the Spiritual path to love those in need. Those who want to cause pain to others need our love more than ever. They may be crying out for someone to understand, and only hate comes their way. Boy did I feel so much negativity and hate, even racism yesterday.

A Muslim man walked into the Post Office, where I had been queuing up for a first class stamp for around 15 minutes. He was served by an attendant immediately and I was still kept waiting another ten minutes. I heard two women talking behind me, which was only fair since this man should have queued up like the rest of us. A row ensued, and the Muslim man said he was disabled and this point was for disabled people. The Muslim man continued to state “But you would stick together” implying that the whole queue were being racist toward him. This wasn’t the case. He had pushed in and been served immediately. I continued with Ho’oponopono (whatever is in me to cause this problem, I love you, I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you). That day, I was able to push past this negativity and maintain true happiness. This rarely happens. I have to be so strong.

Cars almost kissing my ass on the roads especially piss me off. It makes me want to drive slowly just to pee them off further. I know this isn’t the path of love, but it should teach the path of patience. There is no need to rush.

Being around my nan this afternoon brought about such a feeling of weakness. I immediately sensed her hate toward me. The judgement of not having a conventional life or job. The judgement of being different. Fuck, it makes me want to fight at difference, but on another note I just want to be accepted by her. I wish I could read her mind. Is she negative all of the time, or just around the people she secretly despises and pities, like my mother, sister, and I. Why does she have to continue to belittle my beautiful mother and tease me into anger? My blood boiled for seconds, but I maintained my calmness and didn’t sink to her level. I said a little prayer for her while tears rolled down my cheeks and I realise that mum may never receive the love she needs from her mother. Why can’t my nan just wish the best for my mother, love her, pray for her every night instead of pitying her, calling her overweight, and stating that she is a shame on the family because of her illness? This is the most upsetting for me since I know I want to lash out with anger, but I need to accept that she may never change her ways. There is this evil devil inside of her that has just said “fuck off” to love. So God, please help me to see this darkness in her and to help her so that she manages to balance out this darkness and see the error of her ways. Maybe it’s too late for her. I think she loves The Queen more than her family, which is so sad. Give me strength to continue on the right path, God. I can’t do it without love.

Thanks and help others along the way.

Helen

September 28, 2011

Open Your Heart To The Suffering In The World

As I was performing researching for my book on weather control, the first picture reduced me to tears immediately. What the hell is wrong with this world? Greedy politicians and bankers who only care about themselves and want more do not care about these starving children. It is only you and I who can make a difference right now. We have to think and become LOVE. It is the only way. Look among these pictures, shed tears, and feel compassionate.

Our lives are far more richer than the lives these beautiful children have to endure, yet we complain that we do not have enough and always desire more. Let’s give thanks and gratitude to God and stop asking for more. Let’s give our love to Mother Earth and help her vibration shift to one of love, which will hopefully wash away these greedy power-hungry institutions who only crave our fear to survive.

When I hear the stupid gossip in celebrity magazines about something so petty as a celebrity who has been snapped without make-up, or how to get killer abs in thirty days, I get so frustrated about this mass manipulation. Is this how the world is, so focused on image management and no care about others? I think about others and their suffering. Not enough of us open our hearts to the suffering in the world. I am not trying to be a saint, just trying to be aware and open and sharing my deep pain with others.

Say “Whatever is in me to cause such enduring suffering in the world.”

I love you, I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you. 

Let’s make the gift of Ho’oponopono. Feel the pain and say the blessing. Let’s make a change and end this suffering.

May 11, 2011

Ho’oponopono Interview Dr Hew Len

I’ve watched all nine videos, and I feel so grateful that this healing tool has come into my life. I had such a profound insight into myself today. The Dark Night of The Soul I have perceived myself to be in for the past eighteen months is only an illusion. Thank goodness I did not publish my book as it would only manipulate and confuse others. All I needed to do is to find the clarity in myself. “Who am I” is the question I have always asked myself, and now I have the answer. The journey in this lifetime is to heal my thoughts in an easy way. The way I was trying to heal my thoughts only brought more sadness and confusion. How I perceive the world is an illusion I need to heal. Only by healing myself can I help to heal the world and others. If you have time please watch this wonderful interview with Dr Hew Len.

Strangely, after trying to work with Ho’oponopono non-stop for three days, I feel a sense of inner calm that I have never before experienced. It is not nirvana quite yet, but it is a beautiful feeling of gratitude and faith.

May 11, 2011

Ho’oponopono Magic

I know I have written about ho’oponopono in the past, and some things just return to the mind when they are necessary. Lately (for the past three days), I have been using ho’oponopono hours at a time. I use it to heal others and myself in the process as I am taking 100% responsibility for causing the situation, whether good or bad. So while I was in Manchester visiting a friend for coffee, I felt good about myself and continued to repeat the mantra silently,

I love you,

I’m sorry,

Please forgive me,

Thank you! 
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