What do friendships mean to you? Do you hang out with your friends and talk bollocks or is there a greater meaning? I realise that all of my friendships were fake and one sided. And now I realise that I was too passionate about making a difference in myself which probably scared the bejesus out of people. This is okay. I accept I am who I am. I will not change. I want to grow and expand my awareness. I am part of this fucked up insane world and I take responsibility. I understand why it has to be this way.
Real friendships require effort. I always put effort into my friendships. I stayed in touch, but when I wasn’t receiving the same in return, it was time to say goodbye. This is harsh and probably misunderstood from the other person’s point of view, but what’s the point in maintaining a fake friendship? In my darkest hours, I have cried into my pillow and woke up with bags down to my nose, but I felt better.
I often wonder if I had not met my current partner Jon, I would very very alone and have no friends. Would I have killed myself? I hate having these thoughts but they are still around on my dark days. Are things just meant to be? It’s like there is a peaceful part of Helen that is very aware of my suffering and loneliness and I need to find her again. Does friendship matter this much to me? Most of the time it doesn’t as t I have always been a bit of a hermit.
I miss my friend Martin, who emigrated to Australia. He got in touch with me via text last week and I stupidly deleted the message without knowing who it was. Hours later, I realised it was from him, but by them it was too late. I telepathically messaged him telling him to get in touch with me, and the last time I heard from him was around one and a half years ago. Telepathy really does work when the message comes from the heart. We might not have been pen friends or beer buddies, but he understood my deep and mysterious side. It’s very rare to have that relationship with a man. Now I have this relationship with my partner. I am so lucky. I can be ultra sensitive and have tears rolling my cheeks and he accepts me. I don’t have to put on an act.
What does it require to maintain a friendship. Listening, being there for one another, generosity, not of money but of time, empathy, understanding, laughs, excitement. Perhaps the list goes on and on. Those are important for me.
Do you often wonder if when you message a friend, the friend is thinking “what the fuck do they want? Bog off!” I’m sure we’ve all done it one time or another, even myself, but ignoring someone is plain nasty. It creates doubt and we all need less of that.
Even if no one reads this blog it has been niggling at my mind for days. My Moldavite is gone, crystals are packed up in a box ready to sell, I am feeling more stronger and my mind is energised and committed. They say that you can count your real friendships on one hand. I might still talk to one or two friends I rarely see, but it’s time to be open to receive new people who are ready to make a commitment. The path of love is lonely and tough, but if I gave up now, what would I gain? Nothing but more doubt. We should want to change for ourselves, never for another.