I woke up feeling great sadness this morning. I dreamt my sister and I were arguing. She hated me in the dream, really hated me and it was so hard to wake up knowing that is probably how she feels about me in reality. But why. Because I think differently and see the suffering in the world, does this make me a monster? If I am going to grow spiritually, I have to endure all of the pain that God has put in my path. This may come in memories and emotions or experiences.
However, I did let pride take over at Christmas, but I’ve apologised for my mistake. Yet, why do I still feel like I am being punished. Will it always be like this, having to tip toe around someone because the true feelings are kept hidden?
We are here to learn lessons and grow in Spirit. I’m not exactly sure how this is done when we are actually living in the physical body, but I’ve always thought I am going through a spiritual experience because of the change in my awareness and my continuous search for truth, preferably without the confusing shit from New Age Religion. It is often thought that a spiritual transgression will create a super human who can see through walls, be super psychic, and can heal the sick. May be I’m going overboard, but these are the expectations one may expect when enduring such suffering. I personally don’t see much physical change in myself except weight gain, bags down to my nose from a lot of crying, back pain, and the hearing and feeling energy every night. Internally, I have noticed a big change in myself and how I view the world. My heart is open to feeling. I feel the suffering in the world. Maybe this suffering is inside of me and I am placing this suffering on the world, but until I reach the end, which I hope is in this lifetime, I can’t predict the future.
We all want to be somebody important in this lifetime, it is a necessary function of the ego. The competition, the drive to be “somebody” is from the ego mind, the false self. I don’t want to feed this false self anymore. So if my suffering is because my false self is dying, woopeedoo! But fuck, it feels painful, especially when it comes from nowhere in peaks and troughs.
I’m a little off topic here, but I had a thought this morning. Sorry is such a powerful word when it is spoken from the heart. Some sorry’s can be emotionless and meaningless, but a true sorry can bring tears to the eyes. I always try to write from the heart, often when I have tears rolling down my cheeks because this is truth speaking to me from the heart. We have probably all done something stupid in our lives, something that deserved a genuine sorry, but what happens when a person doesn’t get that apology? I think it can be soul destroying for the person who has had to endure such torture. And yes, it doesn’t feel good for our egos to say sorry as pride gets in the way.
I went in The Cemetery Pub last week with a friend. It was the first time I had gone in the pub in nine years, as I have so many painful memories of what happened New Years Eve 2002. I don’t think I’m truly healed, I cry sometimes. I might preach forgiveness, but when I have to endure people coming up to me and talking to me like it was just yesterday and being nosy about my life without knowing the pain I have had to go through to heal from that experience, it’s just better to stay away. Yeah, small talk is often stupid, but what’s the point in making small talk with someone who ignores me in the street anyway. So yes, in the right circumstances, ignorance is bliss! Still after nine years, I have not had an apology from Jason Beckett. But I guess neither Lorraine or Jason are truly sorry for my pain. Is there true happiness there? I hope so. Maybe today is when I put this experience behind me, as I believe memories are there to be healed…and not immediately, some over a lifetime.
I once knew an astrologer who told me that I felt such a deep connection to him because he was a Sun Pisces and I am a Moon in Pisces. I genuinely forgive and am sorry that I was so weak to think that a partnership could make me feel whole. I lost eight years of my life to lack of trust in men. But I am blaming no one, lessons are harsh! Yes yes, I created those situations but do our decisions not affect other people too. The person who we hurt deserves an apology even if we don’t feel in the wrong. It is courageous to accept the blame and say sorry anyway.
After that night, I felt numb. The support I received from my sister will forever be with me, and now I miss how our relationship is so different. We are so apart. I once read that The Elite want to destroy people’s lives and relationships. I guess they have succeeded! My thoughts are so far from reality it is scary to even try to describe them. I probably scare many people, but I’m just like everyone else. I am empty inside and trying to fill the hole. Some days I talk to God more than I talk to my partner, but I’ll sing a few funky songs in between. Am I mourning my sister and the relationship we had that we may never get back? Yes, at a point every day!
I’m sorry for all of the negative thoughts I have sent to people and to the world in my 31 years. I wish I could take them back and take back the suffering on Mother Earth. I’m sorry to all the people I have pissed off with my attitudes and impulses. Is The Dark Night of The Soul a lonesome journey where sharing this awareness is so soul destroying for others, it scares them forever away? Who am I? Who knows because I’m getting further and further away from Helen every day. However, I trust in the spiritual wave. It will guide me where I need to go.
