Denial

I might have already written a little about this, but denial is one word we love to hate, and it is terrifying when it is you in denial over something that you have turned into such falseness. This is how I have been for far too long, and it has affected my life in so many ways. I have lost my zest for writing, and I still gets days where I would love to work on my own projects, but it’s just not there. Hours and hours and hours of time has been wasted either pitying myself taking out my “pleasures” on my skin. It is a coping mechanism that I can’t stop. When the urge comes it is strong. I do it in secret, but it can always been seen by the outside world. No amount of concealer can cover my inner scars.

I’m in Canada at the moment and it’s so cool that you can “rent” out magazines from the library, so I’ve been reading some writing magazines. There have been some really inspirational stories, many of which talk about grief and denial. One best selling author talked about her grief over her 5-year old daughter dying and how she lost her will to live. Another lady experienced grief and decided that she would read a full book, in all genres, for 12-months and search once again for her zest. I still struggle with writer’s block. Everything that I read is so much better than I could ever imagine I could write. Even Jon’s writing is so exciting and I believe my erotica to to be crap and even childish. I struggle to show the story and I’ve always experienced that ever since Freya’s Bower told me to revise my stories. I have a big knawing fear that I will never be able to write a novel the way I want to. Freya’s Bower are an eBook erotica publisher based in NY. I am not sure why I cannot take the compliment that my writing was good enough to be offered a contract. Perhaps, like money, I feel like I don’t deserve to “make it” but I don’t care since we are all the same. We are all born from a hairy canary vagina and not even a hollywood wax can make those hairs weaker, although I’m not sure about electrolysis. Hair is hair. It’s not bad but it’s sexy to feel bald down there.

Flarmology Artistry

I’ve never been one to wear the offensive t-shirts that are widely advertised in magazines worldwide, but I think my friend Stu Strang’s artistry is so comical and offensive, I had to buy one of his t-shirts. And I bought “What I Hate.” And you know what, people notice it. Some ask questions, others just stare at my chest trying to read the words before I walk past, but I think his pictures are fab! So this article is to play homage to the fabulous Stu Strang and his artistry.

What The F**K

If you are a regular reader of my blogs, you will know that I do not purposely watch the news. I go to my mum’s every Wednesday for tea and she watches 5 News. More negative shit about the Government and our crumbling economy, then listening and watching the Queens Speech while she is wearing a crown that could feed the 50,000. As if she cares! Her Government is her priority. Guess they’ve got good at the “fear” game as time continues.

Then the newsreader was causing an outrage about The Duchess of Cambridge’s knee high slit dress. WHAT THE FUCK! Who the hell cares about these people who the media portray as royalty. They only remain that way because of taxpayers money. Blue blood my ass! I’ve got a pretty rare blood type but that doesn’t make me any more special than anyone else.

I’m sick of the immature news reported when there are so many important issues at hand. There is no empathy with the news, it’s all about worship. Worship sports, celebrities, royalty, and whatever else. Damn, my feet smell whiffy today. They leave the charities to deal with the aftermath of their greed, and even then I don’t know who to trust gets my money, since I’m not paying it to a charity who cares only about profits and pays only 10 percent to the cause. No way hosay!

I wake up every day and know that I may never be able to feed the hungry. I am not out to be the next Messiah, nor do I want that responsibility, but this world stinks! Its priorities are fucked up. I’m not sure about you, but I don’t need a Government to tell me what to do. Do you? Are we so thick that we need someone ruling us and telling us what to do. Go to work, eat breakfast, have a shit, spit on the ground. It feels like there are so many lost souls who have chosen the wrong path. But what about when that emptiness comes, will riches and lust feed this deep void. I can make a change however by changing myself. I would rather work for FREE without the stupid anxieties of taxes and bills, but I can’t change that. I really put my faith in God for Him to provide for me because there’s no way that The Law of Attraction would work for me since I’m more depressed than happy these days, and yet money comes.

If the Queen really cared about her people, she would sell her priceless jewels and benefit the impoverished. But without her “seedy” Government, who I’m not too sure know what the hell they are doing in Spiritual terms and may soon hit a deep depression, she may just have to turn to God and show humility. How many people give up on God and view it as weak to ask for help. I’m guessing hundreds of millions of people suffer. Not sure about you, but I find it more humbling to ask God for help than a doctor who only wants to line his pockets with dirty money from the brain fucking pharmaceutical industry. I made a pact with myself the other day. I would rather live in depression than take an anti-depressant. I know it’s only one person out of 7 billion, but I will keep to my word. I don’t want to be numbed of my emotions, and yes, I admit I am depressed. I had a breakdown when my mum went in hospital in 2009 and I turned it into a big spiritual Dark Night of The Soul. Denial can be very very strong and even addictive. I am no longer in denial. But I also don’t believe in “chemical imbalance” in how they diagnose mental illness. There has been no actual test to prove this, yet so many billions of people believe the “experts.” I am my own doctor and I shall nourish my body with the tears it needs to help me heal. And I wonder why I cannot forgive the medical community who have drugged my mother since I was a young kid. I fucking hate psychiatrists and mental health social workers who are blinded to the dangers of these anti-psychotic medication, but then it’s too late to go au naturale because the drugs have caused permanent brain dysfunction and numbed the emotions. Some days I am full of love, others hate, but I’ll work through it with God’s strength.

I know I shouldn’t be saying this, but I hope these greedy “elite” choke on their money because money is not the path to happiness, love is. Money and power cannot fill the emptiness inside.I preach love, but today I’ve fallen off the wagon.

All of Us Vs Cancer Bull****

The skin is a living breathing organ and whatever is placed on it can definitely affect the rest of the organs. Have you seen the latest advert for Cancer Research. The end slogan is All of Us Vs Cancer. Hmm, so every two minutes, a person is told they have cancer, but what about the natural cancer preventatives like Spirulina? The health care industry loves this and cancer can be  caused through carcinogenic ingredients in skin care products. I have stopped using kitchen cleanser for over 12 months now and only use water with lemon/lime essential oil. If it didn’t work you would have thought I’d have caught Ecoli by now or some other type of food poisoning. Essential oils are potent. Of course, there are contraindications to using essential oils, but they are different for each oil. A little goes a long way.

If processed food and fizzy drinks did not exist, there would be far fewer diseases, I’m confident of that, but what about the chemicals that we plaster on our skin daily. I might no longer use hair dye, shampoo, conditioner, cleanser, toner, moisturiser, and kitchen cleanser, but I still use the odd hair styling products here and there, and bleach for the toilet. Maybe I’m not the best person to preach of natural skincare products, since I still use some, but I still think that I am going a long way to helping the environment. After all, these skin care companies only grow rich by way of celebrities endorsing the products! I use no perfume or anti-perspirant either. These products are not necessary to feel beautitful. There is no better feeling than stepping out of the door after a shower smelling of a coconut tree, and coconut oil and Shea butter are both natural and nourishing emollients for the skin, hair, and face.

When Pure Honesty Doesn’t Even Get An Answer

Hi Malcolm

Not sure why I just put in a search for Shamanism, but there was an item sold on Four Rooms and it aroused my interest. I am not sure whether I have an entity attached to me since I have OCD or dermatillomania and I pick at my skin. I have done this for about 11+ years and it is really starting to get me down as it steals so much of my time from my writing.

The last time I visited the doctor, he prescribed Prozac, but I am very much against Western medicine since it does not treat the underlying symptom.

The therapies I have currently tried that have not worked include:

Visual Coding Displacement Therapy

Homeopathy

The Healing Codes

Acupuncture

Hypnosis (self and therapeutic)

Iboga

Wheatgrass

Fasting (water, juice and dry)

Brainwave entrainment

Meditation

Sa Ta Na Ma

Yoga

EFT

Inositol

I did the flood dose of Iboga almost two weeks ago but I vomited it after about two hours so I don’t think it was effective. I was wanting to do a flood dose again but I got scammed by a guy in Cameroon and lost £169. Trying to get it back from my bank, but I’m not sure it it will go in my favor.

I am not sure if this is a “lesson” of self-love, as I generally feel unworthy and ugly, but I just wish I could stop this destructive behaviour. I live in Rochdale Lancashire and I was wondering if you do phone therapy or would you need to see a person face to face?

Thank you in advance, and I’m sorry to drone on about my problem. In all honesty, I do feel that I am coming to the peak of the mountain with this problem, and there has to be a way to treat it. This is why I wonder if I have a negative entity attached to me, or do you think this just relates from feelings of unworthiness after bullying, rape, and mental abuse.

Thanks

Helen

***

I guess even Shamans want an easy “cure”. They don’t want the complicated people who genuinely do want to heal and get better. Although on his website he does state that he can refuse to help someone, but not even responding to an email is a bit nasty, why have an email address listed all over the fucking internet then? Hmm.

God and Homosexuals

I find it funny how religious individuals can lead others astray in stating how God hates homosexuals, yet what did the New Testament teach, love thy neighbour? What is the Church teaching when people are shouting and screaming that God hates homosexuals? What is so wrong with the act of two men or women making love? Heterosexual couples also perform anal sex and it is not a shameful act, especially if you care about your hygiene and plan ahead. Love is love, whether you fall in love with a human, three-legged lemming, dolphin or black cat, although others might view that as strange? Strange is so taboo in our culture. I once read a story in Bizarre mag about a man who fell in love with a dolphin. They had consensual sex and talked telepathically. This wasn’t the usual rampant bestiality, but zoophilia, which is the act of love between humans and animals.

God does not hate homosexuals. God is love and God understands our pain. Homosexuals are not leading a sinful life, and people should not be forced to be heterosexual to please another person. Please make your own decision through life. I’ve been to Manchester’s Gay Village many times, and it is one of the friendliest and non-violent places. There is a totally different vibe.

Now I’ll move onto the people who hate homosexuals. Ask yourself why this is. Perhaps you are a closet homosexual and you feel shameful to even think it. Yeah, so what if you are. It does not mean your dick is going to drop off. So what if your family disown you. Be true to yourself. This is your happiness at stake.

And no, homosexuals are not the cause of AIDS or HIV either. I’d bet a penny this was another man-made disease cross bred between a dinosaur, a pig, and Bin Laden. Seriously, do we really know what is going on behind the scenes, in the clinical trials? Love is a threat to those who want to obtain dictatorship over the entire world, so I say throw away the bible and listen to your heart. Know that hate will not prevail in this world. Religion causes so much divide and hate amongst others. My religion is right and yours is wrong so you deserve to die. This is the way religions think and act and it is fucking brainwashing to its loyal followers because they truly believe they are far more superior to another person. This is ultimate sin that they do not teach in Church every Sunday.

My friend Stu Strang, who is a both a prophet and told me that the Bible has three or four verses about homosexuality, none of which has anything to do with two people of the same sex who love each other getting it on. Stu has broken free of the brainwashing dogma taught through Fundamental Christianity and he has helped me so much. I could never before admit my sinful side because I didn’t believe in Christ, but He died for us and I owe it to Him to make a change in myself and to take full responsibility for my life and its miseries and ecstasies.

So think before judging another person because GOD says you should, because the only judgement you are making toward another is to the helpless child within who is screaming out for happiness. Love everyone and find this inner peace and calmness in yourself, for it is there. A loving gay activist, Raymond Taavel was killed outside a popular Halifax bar in Nova Scotia. I hope one day the people who beat him to death and murdered him feel remorse for their sins. Heaven knows how much anger a person has inside themselves for attacking an innocent stranger. It’s not just the death of Raymond Taavel, but this type of  attack occurs every day, and this anger must be destroyed in a positive way like through boxing.

STOP

What about our thoughts, actions, and words

Grouped together like a flock of birds

Stop and think about now

The chuckles in seeing a smiling cow

 

Stop and think about others before the self

Working through deep pain improves the health

Why is there so much competition and greed

When love is ready to grow from a seed

 

Stop and consider forgiveness instead of hate

Let’s not give our negativity as bait

My emotions are still stuck in the middle

Churning in a maze of complete riddle

 

My heart is open and true

Come on evil ones, try and turn it blue

It’s all worth the incredible pain

All this guilt is not mine, I’m not to blame

 

Are You Proud of Rochdale?

I know we should be proud of our home town, but all I notice in Rochdale are broken roads, too many new pharmacies, and excess mobile and pound shops. What the bleep are councils doing with taxpayers money? Corrupt police sacked Tony Farrell who only wanted the public to know the truth about the London Bombings. Respect to fire fighters and paramedics! When was the last time Rochdale looked like the picture on the left?

And now there is still chaos on the roads in time for the Rochdale Metrolink coming in 2014, I think. Shouldn’t the councils fix the roads first before investing all this money into new buildings in the hope it will create jobs. What drivers really need now, apart from a price drop in fuel to half its normal price, are clear un-bumpy roads that make us feel we are flying instead of driving. I’m sure the roads would be drive worthy if the The Queen was visiting, but that’s highly unlikely.

There are too many phone shops and pound shops. I mean I love the pound shops for a bargain, but TopShop’s gone and even Dorothy Perkins. Mum loved Bon Marche for her clothes. TJ Hughes gone. Woolies, Ethel Austin’s. The Littlewoods offices has been empty for 5 + years and there were talks it was becoming a Primark. The markets are almost empty and the only decent clothes shop is Twenty One Boutique. There are also too many pawnbrokers.

I also noticed another pharmacy being built on Oldham Road directly opposite Lloyds Pharmacy. I realise this probably is a private investment, but it is still unnecessary. Hmm does the Government perhaps believe there will be an influx of people requiring drugs. What are the little critters planning to do next I wonder. Poison the skies with arsenic perhaps? Anyhow I’m just noticing that the hard earned money we put into the system is not going into the heart of what it should be doing. Pardon my French, but Rochdale Roads are fucked, especially the side streets, but also on the main roads. There is no avoiding the bumps and it’s not good for car suspension.

Yeah yeah, we have a new sixth form college and Hopwood has finally covered up its disgusting yellow and green blotches with grey, and there is a new bus shelter in the making. Everything is back to front. There are dozens of vacant shops and heaven knows why anyone would want to invest in a business on Yorkshire Street since the rents are also extortionate. I hope the Governments crumble soon, but humanity are ignorant in the knowing they thieve us every day on food, petrol, gas, electric, and everything else. Why do we put up with such bullshit? Thank goodness for flowers,  trees, and animals, for they make up the beauty of such an ugly town.

The Sensitive Human Nature

I never used to be so sensitive. It’s like this part of me has always been there, but it had to be switched on. I wonder if it’s like that for every human being. While it is possible to turn off our sensitive nature and “be strong” because we are told it is weak to cry and show emotion, I know that the actions of the world are there to toughen us up. Video games depict so much murder and desensitises children and adults. And this is exactly what happens with war. People have forgotten their true loving nature.

We are not here to kill one another or judge or hate. We are here to share in our pain. The more sensitive to the world we become, the deeper our heart opens and it’s the sign of a good thing, although painful.

I’m not sure why this is but I have googled “humanity crying at the same time” probably 5 to 10 times in the past and there were no articles to spur my curiosity. I didn’t know of MJ’s song Cry at the time. Such a beautiful inspiration he was and still is. I used to wonder why I cried for no reason. It scared me. I’ve grown used to it now. I used to want to grow in my own power, but since then I’ve turned to God and it’s become much easier. I’ve met the most wonderful people and I know it’s God who has given me such gifts.

To The Haters of The World

What do you gain from hating others? Why do you believe the stories reported in the media. Why is there so much hate inside the self in having to project so much anger and hate into the world.

I watched several Michael Jackson videos yesterday and there are still so many haters who believed he was a pedophile. This is what the media told us, so I guess  all of the shallow closed minded people don’t even give a thought to how Michael felt throughout all of this. He was a sensitive and loving human being. He had so much domination over the world, and he used his lyrics to try to try his best to help others. His songs pissed off the wrong people, and I think a part of his soul had given up. Still have no idea why LaToya Jackson would read a stupid statement saying he was a child molester. How weak. Stick up for your family not read a stupid weak statement because you’ve been forced to.

The media want to think that they control the world, but they certainly don’t control my thoughts. I am sad at the state of the world, and changing myself is enough to inspire others to change. This won’t happen overnight, but my journey to self-love is so painful and I’m grateful for the pain otherwise I would not grow.

We each have our own pain to bear. It’s there whether you want to deal with it or not. This is why I choose crying as my tool of healing. When I’m angry I cry. When I’m sad I cry. When I’m happy I cry. When I’m overwhelmed I cry. I’m no longer feeling guilty about crying. I cry in my car, in my bed, while I’m washing up, in front of Jon and wherever else. I try to do it alone as nobody understands this pain is coming from somewhere deep inside of me. Sometimes I know why I am crying, other times it comes from nowhere. Yeah, I know depression has this symptom, but I had a thought last night. Depression is the beginning of healing. We are given the choice to work through our pain in a natural way block it out by visiting the doctor and being prescribed anti-depressants.