Day 6 of 14-Day Water Fast – 4 May 2013

Today I woke up feeling rather hungry. I poured myself a pint of carbonated mineral water and a squeeze of lemon and started doing a mad clean of my house. I folded my clothes, cleaned the bathroom, and dusted the table. I wondered if today would be the hardest, as I’ve never before reached my set deadline, and my last was only six days but I managed to fast for five days. Still a good achievement, as it gives my body a complete rest.

I bought some gas, got a life to mum’s, and drank several cups of herbal tea and a pint of water with fresh lemon. No hunger. Watched Nigel Slater cooking up five fabulous dishes and he has given me some fabulous ideas for meals post fast, especially the fried chillies, feta cheese, and coriander wrapped in a pitta bread or wholemeal wrap. Wow. The sausages coated with a mustard sauce served on a mash of carrots and herbs is also appealing.

This afternoon I am chilling. I am watching the TV and decided to choose Syria’s Torture Machine. Well, ten minutes into the show, I am crying in desperation, the only words that come into my head are ‘I’m sorry.’ One father – who had six children – was being beaten with a stick, and then he was returned to his family dead. Another man – a protestor – was already dead in the street, but the soldiers decided it would be fun to film them shooting him some more. I am absolutely disgusted by human beings at times. I know there are some inspirational people out there, those who do want to make a difference no matter how difficult it seems. Even though I am pissed off with ‘the system’, I would never harm another human being. Harm can be caused through abuse, torture, judgement, or anything else that causes another person distress.

Day 5 of 14-Day Water Fast – 3 May 2013

I weighed myself this morning. 11st 8lbs, so a total loss of around ten pounds. My stomach is flat. I feel no hunger, but it is only day five. There are nine more to go. I chatted with my lovely boyfriend, Jon, and got on with some paperwork. I finally finished at 3.00 PM approximately and planned a walk. I had my final two herbal teas and felt great. I had no hunger, felt energetic and confident, and looked forward to the released endorphins.

I walked to town to buy several varieties of herbal tea. I am not so keen on fruit teas, but prefer the liquorice and cinnamon detox varieties. By the time I reached town, I felt physically weak and was breathing heavily. My posture was slumped and I just needed to sit down.

I walked to Asda, bought a bottle of sparkling water, and sat in the café for five minutes staring at the clouds moving in the sky. I pondered on life itself. Is it enough to get up at nine every day, work an eight hour shift, and then get a wage, pay all the bills, and hardly have enough left over for fun activities?

We were not put on this earth to serve other people. Surely, it is obvious. How can we evolve when work and sleep steals half of our life? This whole life feels like a con at times, but I know the body is a precious thing and I must be grateful for good health, but I’m not well in creativity and mental health. I have severe writer’s block. Hardly any ideas come to me, yet when I began this writing journey I set goals that I always met. I want to get back into that dreamland of words where nothing else mattered, for brief parts of the day, except the fantasy world of my mind. I have not experienced this for a very long time. I am neglecting my blogs, and I even feel numb in the areas of sexuality. Perhaps this Prozac has done more damage than good.

Day 4 of 14-Day Water Fast – 2 May 2013

‘Don’t give up’ were the three words that were implanted firmly in my mind last night. Maybe there is a healing power who is trying to help me through this turbulent time. I watched a beautiful Ted Talks by Sebastião Salgado sent by my wonderful boyfriend, Jon, and some of the pictures made me cry. We do not need to eat a lot of food to survive, and yet some children and families are malnourished and do not even have fresh water to drink. It saddens me why some people worship money more than love and sharing. My body odour today has been bad. I had to take another shower. However, I did the breath test (licking the full length of my tongue across my wrist and letting the saliva dry) and I have no halitosis. I thought ketosis was thought to bring on bad breath.

Anyhow, my urine smells like rotten eggs, and I met my friend for curry (probably not the best thing to do in the circumstances but it is a test). I had a pint of blackcurrant carbonated water, while she chowed down a deliciously scented spinach, chickpea, and sweet potato curry with popadoms, nan bread, rice and chips. The cordial might have supplied me with minimal calories, but I have embarked on over an hours walk—at a rapid rate too. I felt the hunger during my walk. I necked a bottle of water and continued to try to stay strong.

Besides feeling no hunger, I have felt a slight twinge of pain in my ring and little finger on my left hand. I suffer niggles with them while I am typing. Maybe I am pressing my fingers down too firmly, or maybe it is a nerve problem. I remember when I was having acupuncture, the woman put a needle in one of the two fingers and I felt the energy move. It was amazing to feel.

Day 3 of 14-Day Water Fast – 1 May 2013

Today I woke up feeling less tired than the day previously. I survived mostly on herbal teas. I love the Yogi Avurvedic teas, especially the cinnamon, liquorice, and pure. Although they might have several calories, I detest the taste of natural water. I received the letters through the post. Before my fast, some of these enquiries would have caused me anxiety, but I dealt with them in a calm way. It was quite fun. Since the Spaniard gig, I sought to order a new bank account with a debit card that would allow me to rip off payday loan companies, as they are in a stinking business of taking advantage of the needy. I’m in a very pissed off state of mind at the moment. I’m not sure what has brought this on. Maybe the fact that money is a worthless illusion that most of us worship.

I can’t fathom why there is so much greed and corruption in this world. I am not talking from a sense of oneness here, as taught in New Age. We are all broken, in a way. We have inner demons that are ready to make us feel at our worst, and I am trying to face my demons every day. Sometimes they make me want to end my life. I feel so worthless and alone, but I hope that this fast brings me closer to God. I want him to hear my plea. I want to survive this deep depression that I have fallen into. I want to stop pretending that I am going through some spiritual ascension. I am fucked. I will not pretend to be perfect. I have a long way to go. I only want to inspire others to ask questions and try to notice that this world is not one of beauty, although there are captivating images in the colourful trees, flowers, and wilderness. The world is beautiful in that sense, but the world is also ugly by the animals known as humans. Many of us no longer want to share. We would rather rob and kill a fellow human being through peer pressure or lack. We use the force of corruption to manipulate impoverished countries to rely on others for their survival. It’s plain wrong and these images I can’t ignore.

Day 2 of 14-Day Water Fast – 30 April 2013

Today has been very emotional for me. A lot of guilt has manifested. I have cried and prayed for help. The hunger is gone. I have a mild headache but I do not have to take a painkiller (not that I would on a water fast). I guess I might have cheated a little today as I have been drinking elderflower and ginger cordials, which does contain sugar. I have read that if the body receives a little hint of taste then ketosis stops and the body believes that it will be fed. However, the hunger has staved off. It is so much easier on this water fast than the 6-day water fast I attempted in 2011, of which I only got to five days.

A thing about me that you have to understand is that I set very high goals and if I do not complete them, I feel a failure. This 14-day water fast is a very high standard that I have set for myself, and part of me knows that I will fail. I feel like the Holy Spirit has given me this guidance in an attempt to finally heal myself. I have been 4 days off the Prozac, and so far so good. I still have no sex drive. No horny thoughts driving through my mind causing me to want to make an afternoon video of my masturbating for my lover. I have read that Prozac remains in the system for a very long time. In fact, a three-month dose of Prozac can create benefits in the body that last nine months. Very scary indeed.

I thought about food a lot today, but healthy foods. I can’t wait to have a glass of carrot and beetroot juice, and follow this with cherry tomatoes – I love how they effortlessly burst to leave their delicate flavour – and mashed carrots and swede (without Lurpak), but lots of black pepper.

Day 1 of 14 Day Water Fast – 29 April 2013

Last night while I was picking my skin, sinking my nails into the glorious feeling of drawing blood from a scab, I felt both ecstatic and numb. This is the feeling that impulse controls or obsessive-compulsive disorder can do to you. It makes you feel connected with the emotional contentment, but afterward you are left feeling completely empty, embarrassed, and guilty.

I have been a mixture of gratitude and sadness today. I have felt guilty about losing my connection to God. Last week I caused so much damage to my skin that even wearing a knee length skirt would show the disgusting scabs and scars on my calves. Why has this circle of hate grown so bad that I am now attacking my legs and butt?

Tomorrow I am attempting a 14-day water fast. I have been watching videos and reading inspiring blogs to try to refuse temptation. I have been taking Prozac after my attempted overdose to cure my depression, but what if I could help myself by water fasting long enough to create a change. I had my final cup of tea at 1.00 am in the morning.

The story of my skin picking compulsion started when I began to pick my back one-day, even though there were no spots or scabs to pick. I caused such intense scarring that I felt ashamed to show my back for two years. Eventually, I had part of my back tattooed, but by then, I had caused several ugly marks to appear on my arms. Tattoos have been a way for me to cover up, and I have turned this into the fact that I love tattoos, when it did not start out that way. I have always made excuses, and having a full sleeve on my right arm may make me look like I love tattoos now, but it was always an act to cover up my ugly scars. I am so paranoid about my skin and how it looks to the outside world. Maybe this is my ego at work in attempting to destroy me, or maybe it is a type of self-love to make me feel better about myself. What is self-love? Can any of us genuinely self love without it blowing up our head or ego to shameful proportions?

Council Tax Summons – No Justice For Common Man

So I attended a council tax summons at Bury Magistrates Court today. The appointment was for 1.00 PM so I arrived about 12.30 PM. Was told that the Council would turn up around 1.00 to 2.00 PM, so I had a coffee in the café upstairs and read a magazine. When a man from the Council Tax asked for my name, I gave it and showed him the summons. I said that I had been invited to see the magistrates, and that I would do. The wait was a while, as there were six custody hearings in place before me. What a joke, the summons said that the appointment was at 1.00 PM. Nah, the fraudulent court summons is not from the court, but from the council. RMBC hired a room out at the court to do their administration hearings. The people who don’t turn up to them automatically get issued a liability order. This too is from the council and not the court, although the notices make it appear that they are from a court. This is perjury and liable for imprisonment. A sad fact is that the real criminals are the people ruling us.

Over the course of 12.30 to 5.30 PM, I chatted to three guys who were all up on charges of either fighting or theft. Some of them had been kept in the court cells, others in police cells. I finally had my moment at 5.30 PM. The clerk to the justices (although he did not confirm who he was) asked me what my name and address were. I stated that I did not wish to answer that question (as I would be contracting with the court).

I asked the magistrates if any of them were a member of the council. They did not answer. I then started to ask another question, but this pompous woman in the Magistrates interrupted me and said, “It is we who ask the questions.”

Sue PayDay Loan Companies For SPAM Messages

If you get bombarded with unsolicited text messages and you’ve replied STOP and you’re still receiving the same messages linking you to the same website, then it’s time to hit these PayDay Loan companies where it hurts – by charging them for the harassment. These PayDay Loan companies are popping up all over the place, taking advantage of the poorest people, so let’s put them under by charging them for breaking the law. I’d also like to mention that the Information Commissioner is a joke. They don’t fine these companies for breaking the law, so unfortunately I have taken the law in my own hands, with one success so far.

In addition, if you are registered with the Telephone Preference Service and you receive a marketing call, immediately find out who they are, where they obtained your details, if they have a website, the name of the manager, phone number, and the person you spoke to, then kindly state that you are with the Telephone Preference Service and they have broken the law by phoning you. State that you will be charging them £495.00 (or whatever sum you want) and send the letter via recorded delivery. This works too for the Mail Preference Service, although I’ve not yet had to complain about anyone.

Since November, I’ve been sending notices to these companies and charging them between £195 and £495.00. I’ve also been charging them £35.00 per letter so the fees normally stand between £565 and £760 with additional fees. Alter the details to suit your circumstances, and charge whatever you want.

The Hurtful Buried Memories

This morning I woke up to the fantasy of Jon stripping me naked amongst the trees, I fully surrender to his moves, but then ego decides to step me with a painful memory about my looks, yet again. I was working in Manchester in early 2003 and made friends with Sarah at a stockbroker we were both temping for. One night we went out into Manchester and we had a good time. Her sister was picking her up, but before that point a drunken fellow outside the club was chatting her up. I was minding my own business, as it was a cold night, but he acted cruel toward me and said, “Fuck you’re ugly.” What is it about me that people find so threatening to have to sink to such a low? Words that will echo within me until I die. Even when I was bullied at school for being quiet (yes something as stupid as that) I never judged them in return. Of course, I’m very angry now, but there’s nothing I can do about it.

I’m not sure why this memory is flooding back to me today, but some words hurt so much. I can’t look at myself in the mirror without finding a flaw. I know it might seem vain to be so bothered about what people think of me, but all I have ever wanted to be is accepted. I have always been bullied or judged for being different. I never wanted to be conventional. Not everyone has treated me like shit. Some men have even complimented me, but I can’t believe their kind words. As Julia Robert’ Vivien in Pretty Women states, “The bad stuff is easier to believe.” This is true.

So after a few tears had rolled down my cheek, I challenged my ego with, “But why am I ugly,” and it did not give a response. All I’ve ever wanted to do on this path is to grow, except I’m slipping back into mud all the time. If they are lessons, why can’t I learn from them? Why have so many people judged me for how I look? The sad part is that I have worked so hard on the ego judgment part of me that says it is okay to judge another. It is not okay. We have absolutely no right to judge another person on how they look.

I hardly ever feel good about myself, so there’s no point taking an interest in how I dress. I’ve fallen into this routine of not even caring for myself. I sometimes have no appetite and do not eat until later in the day. I sometimes do not shower for days. I sometimes do not dress myself all day. Is this just depression, or will I be like this forever. When will this hurt ever go away? Will it ever? I just don’t understand how cruel we are to one another. So those memories and hurtful words are forever stored away ready to do their worst. In my darkest moment this morning, I forgave them.

Maybe they are fully aware of what they are doing, or maybe they are just lost souls who are unhappy and like to take out their anger on others. I will never know, but just know that if you decide to judge another person on how they look, it might just be the cruellest thing to say, a comment that will stay with them forever and shape their persona.

Peace All The Way

Violence begets violence.

Hate begets hate.

Judgement toward others is only of the self.

Love encourages peace and harmony.

Compliance takes away our freedom.

Over the past few months, I have challenged our British system. I have paid into the British tax system since the age of fifteen. Over the years, the benefits have helped to keep a roof over my head, when my impulsiveness was causing more harm in my life, than good. But the opposition that the British Government is now facing with me is non-compliance, forgiveness, and love. The only way to create change is to do it peacefully, as Gandhi did.

Are we truly free without complying with the system? If we pay our taxes and everything else, we can avoid jail, avoid losing our possession, and keep an A-rated credit record. Is all of this worth our freedom? The film Gandhi just showed how Governments treat its fellow humans. Such horrendous acts against humanity and all because of the need to retain their pride and to gain power over people. Violence will never be the way to peace. Harming another human being is pure evil. I cannot understand why certain people need to hold a power over people, when we come from the same source of love. Why do some people choose to do wrong. Right and wrong is born in us. It is also known as free will, but why would someone choose free will to rob, beat, torture, rape, or kill another fellow human being? Every day I am faced with this intolerable sadness of this cruelty toward one another. This is why I cannot watch the news. I am not closing my mind off to the horrendous acts we do to one another, but I am trying to cope with these deeds and survive at the same time.

Debt collectors threaten enforcement action – what through the corrupt British court system where there is no real justice for THE PEOPLE. Council Tax threatens imprisonment, charging orders, and bankruptcy, yet they are the ones committing fraud in making single people and families pay a £96.00 court fee that has cost only £3 to issue. And the councils plead poverty. I forgive them. Fear and intimidation is the only way that all of these Governments and financial institutions can make us comply. The sad fact about all of this is that I have no money to pay to council tax. Would they give a shit if I starved so that the MPs can receive their private pensions, and fund illegal wars where innocent children and families are killed when British roads are crumbling? Does it make sense to throw a person in jail at a cost of £800 per week? The Council are bullies who really have no power over a human being who refuses to comply. Questioning our legislation is the right thing to do, and it is all peaceful and non-violent. Who believes that they have any domination over me? I serve only God, which is to be a peaceful non-violent person who causes no harm to another human being. Why do some people choose money over love? What is this world we are living in? Is it Hell?

Whatever happened to everyone having the God given right to food, shelter, and warmth? Sometimes I find it difficult to forgive these power-hungry people who make it come across that they have no heart. All decisions are made through the ego. God help me to forgive them. Other days the forgiveness and love comes with ease. God, please give me the strength to forgive. This is not born within me. I need help to access this incredible power. What if we all forgive one another, practiced humility, and gave up this need for worldly possessions? This world needs our love and forgiveness more than ever. Live from the heart. I face my fears with tears and determination. I feel incredibly weak, but I also gain wisdom. I am non judgemental in my darkness. I see only balance. I know that I need to see that this entire matrix is a teaching, but first and foremost we must change ourselves and our destructive behaviours.

Lately, I have been praying that the whole world gains strength in these difficult impoverished times here in the UK and across the world. Some of us are too proud to say sorry, so I have been saying it for others. Sorry is such a passionate word. It comes from the heart. It is surrender. We must forgive these tyrants who have so much hate over us when they lose control?